Never truly allowing yourself to be wholesome, for it always feels like there are parts within you (mental and physical) that you can feel more than others. That creates a sense of separation within. This sense of separation creates a feeling of not wanting to be present to yourself. But it is important to remember that no matter how shit you feel at times, you are always part of something much bigger. My challenge at the moment is to be alone and to be be ok with it. It is a skill and a challenge for many, so accustomed to needing to have someone or something around, to fulfil the senses; the person that helps distract you from yourself, from what is actually going on in your life, the phone that rarely leaves your side, always being available, the much to long of a to do list, filling every minute of day to avoid feeling. Sound familiar? The more I contemplate on the idea of being alone, the more I realise it is fear created by the concept of our mind and it is to do with our conditioning. Because someone sitting on their own in a restaurant, bar or cinema must be really lonely. But what if they are not? What if they just love their own company? Who are we to judge?
I also think that mind and personality struggle with the idea of being alone, because they wants to be centre stage and dislike stillness. Because in stillness you very quickly become aware of the discomforts we have accumulated over the years. We might know or feel we need stillness + rest, but when we try, the mind complains and is consumed by the stories it tells itself; the body becomes sore and painful, hyper aware of itself after years of neglect; after years of being taught not to feel and to put the cherry on the cake; personality desires nothing more than for it to be the epic epicentre of it's own little universe, leaving no space for being by yourself.
The moment you truly take a step back to reflect, the moment you really allow yourself to be entirely alone, might also be the moment you discover that you are a part of something, which is much bigger than you. For me it's the feeling I get when I'm surrounded by mountains, the giants of this earth, when I am hiking on my own, at my own pace and I get to decide what move to make next. And because this isn't something I am very used to doing (I usually let other people decide what it best for me, a habit I really have to learn to shake off), but when I do, it's so rewarding (see the pic below).
We can also refer a lot of the discomforts, the bad habits, the injuries and or trauma's back to the way we've been taught to look at ourselves and or our bodies. So often we judge ourselves, being incredibly unkind to the point of being cruel, to ourselves, we talk to ourselves in ways we would never talk to a friend. The voices we hear, the judging, the nagging, the inner critique we continually have on our mix tape in the background, just loves to ramble on and on;
about all that we are not
and or all that we have done wrong
all that we could have done
and or should have done better.
This negative feedback loop can have an adverse impact on our road to recovery.
We would never speak to our friends the way that the inner critique loves to have a go at us.
This is of course the regurgitated stuff that we've heard our parents, relatives and/or even our friends say to us and we took it on board to be true.
At one point in our lives as small children we might have thought 'well if that's what they say then they must be right'. Or perhaps we didn't get a chance to develop enough self love + stability as children, because of the fact that our environment wasn't safe enough for us to develop, keeping us in this negative feedback loop and blocking ourselves in our flow.
What if we could all be in free flow, full of energy, without all that heavy luggage and the many doubts, to carry around with us? Learning to lighten your load, letting go of the things which no longer serve you? How much more joyful would your life be then?
The more you can begin to learn to connect the dots and feel your way back into your body and let the innate wisdom flow within; through movement, with full awareness, through slowing down and switching off when needed; hearing when the body is in need of a break, allowing yourself time to be alone, the more you will be able to see; what is so - for you and why.
This is how you can truly begin your healing process.
I personally find no remedy better for tuning out of that old song than spending time in the great outdoors and surrounding myself with wonderful people and as much as I like having people around, I'm re-educating myself that it is totally ok to be alone. For > I am < never truly alone, there is a great invisible web of connection readily available to those who choose to work on themselves.
If you like me, need and want to learn how to tune out of your mixed tape, please join me for one of my sessions, together we will find ways in which you can begin to learn to trust the slowing down, the deep breaths, the listening and fine tuning your body to such a level that you may have real insights into what has been in your way.
I hope that the words above help you reflect on the wholesome awesome person you truly are; realising that you are your own walking universe of miracles, having this huge privilege to tread your toes on this beautiful planet, whilst being the creator of your own life with the ability to rewire your own mixed tape. Love, Samira x