How much of the energy you have, gets invested in another?
How much of that energy do you keep for yourself?
Wether it is to prove ourselves or our worth; whether it is because we genuinely need the validation we never got from our parents. A lot of the energy we have ends up given to someone else. We all seem to have something to prove, some more than others.
How far do you go to prove yourself?
Some of us need to prove ourselves through the work we do, some do it in how we raise our children, others through the sports we partake in, it could be wanting to show off with material wealth, or perhaps even down to the causes we support. It is hard not to want to prove yourself when you were not given the correct tools from a young age.
Needing to prove yourself is particularly visible in this strange yet beautiful mountain town, a bit like London where everyone is forever trying to get one up on the other, here in Engelberg we have a different level of competitiveness; there are a lot of people who push themselves physically much beyond to what you and I think might be possible. Although it is inspiring, it can also end in tears. A lot of people here are athletes; may be not even professionally, but they train themselves on the terrain everyday like an athlete would and treat these mountains and their bodies with great respect. Plenty of random people come along and think they can do that stuff too because the athletes make it look so effortless, they have no idea how long it took for them to get into that shape, how many hours they spent studying that mountain. Ignorance is bliss right?
Statistically it is still more dangerous to drive a car than to strap a pair of skis to your feet. And I don't want to make this blog about the dangers of living in a competitive mountain community, you're welcome to partake, you can take it or leave it. There's plenty of humble pies around and sometimes we get a little warning to make us slow down and reconsider.
What I would like to explore is, what are we trying to prove? Why do we all seem to have this incessant need to prove ourselves?
Social media has done a brilliant job at luring us all into its den in one way or another, collecting likes and loves.
I’m working on the idea of clinging at the moment and I think the need to prove myself fits perfectly well with this theme...
How much of your time do you cling to the different layers of your personality?
How attached am I to being Samira with all the different suits I get to wear?
I can tell you honestly, very attached...
there is the mother of 2 teenagers suit
quite a bit of time is spent embodying the movement, yoga teacher suit
still very attached to my dancer suit too, I wear it more than I care to admit
a lot of time spent in my outdoor sport suits
I think somewhere in there is a therapist suit, but it's not come of the rails yet
occasionally (not often) but still one of my favourites the disco diva; letting my hair fall down to the ground, glitter everywhere kind of suit
I have a great many more suits in use;
there is also the servant suit
there is a competitive suit in there somewhere
the abandoned child, when I fill the bath tub with my salty tears suit
the rebel suit
the listening ear suit
the people pleasing suit
& even the restrictive nun although she has been called on gardening leave so I don't see much of her these days - thank f...
It’s a lot of suits to wear and most of us have no idea we are even wearing them, often one merging into another.
And then there is the question of, how often do you wear a suit that actually doesn’t fit?
The one in which you are not good enough, not doing enough, not good looking enough, the one in which you are a shit, the one that makes you feel like a shit, the one where your inner 3 year old throws a shitty tantrum or what about the one that incessantly nags at you; the hideous nun who I have exiled from my boardroom, lets hope she stays away....
We all have our demons to tame, again some of us more than others. What we do with the suits and our demons is up to us;
we either acknowledge and work our way through them
with the help of a therapist, coach or guide
or
we let the devils haunt us.
Of course it sounds easier than it is, to acknowledge when so many aspects of ourselves lay buried even from our observing self, so you could be digging for a while... But I have to say in the long run it is so much more rewarding.
A good place to start from is observing what suits you wear, when and why you are wearing them.
Observing yourself and beginning to see the empty spaces you are filling with all your clutter.
Noticing you are hanging on for dear life to parts of you that may no longer be conducive to you, like my inner nun, I don't need her any more, she kept me safe for a while, but it was so restrictive; she put lids on everything, until the pressure cooker was ready to explode, inevitably it always would at some point.
There are still days when it feels like I could literally fill a bath tub with my tears. I know I can be a bit much, a bit like the weather, when I have energy I have a lot of it, when I have it, I have many ideas and feel creatively inspired, hoping to inspire others, hoping to inspire you.
The flip side of it is when I don't have it, I don't have it and it's not a bad thing either, there are days I am learning to give myself permission to undo, to feel the feels, to sit with the shit, to unravelling from the constant pressures.
To not be there for everyone is a challenge, I genuinely like helping out when I can (inner servant excels here) and I am terrible at saying no, but having healthy boundaries is also a valuable skill I'm slowly beginning to acquire (come on inner rebel show us what you are made of).
What I have learnt is I can quickly recover if I am allowed time spent to melt into my dream worlds with music + books is how I most effectively recover my creative energy.
Learning to relish the time spent alone, I am not a hermit, I never will be, I am a sociable creature, but alone also feels good, scary at times, but good nonetheless.
There are others times when I feel so good + strong that I'm (almost) ready to take on the world.
I have plenty further to go and I am trying to be patient with myself, it's not even been a year since the unravelling of my 22 year long relationship but considering all that, I am not doing too badly and neither is he.
Flow like a river my mind keeps telling me. Nature moves and changes all the time, so why can't we?
There is much to cling to in our shiny world of glittery more’s, a world filled with plasters + pacifiers, but wouldn't it be better to work on yourself so you don't have to rely on those plasters?
Samira x
